Well, it's working out. Hubby was horrible for a couple days, and truth be told so was I. He wasn't sure that we even had much of a marriage anymore. We talked about seperating. Well, he talked. I refused. He asked me if I expected Happily Ever After. I said DAMN RIGHT!!!

He thought about it. He realized that he was "crushing my spirit" and that in the end he doesn't want to do that.

Now we are working it out. We are working together to regain our trust and friendship. I am making an effort to make sure that I do the things I say I'm going to, and he is making that supreme effort to not be a colossal jackass when I don't.

Today, as a reward for several really good days, I got him new shoes and socks. He was thrilled!!

Life is good today.

Today I am That Girl

I saw a sticker the other day, and it said "I'm the girl that hides her pain behind a smile to brighten everyone elses day" It struck a chord in me. I don't normally have a lot of pain, but lately I have more. And after yesterday's drama, which come to think of it was not nearly as bad as some of the issues we've had, I can't seem to stop hurting.

I think it came when after he made me go to sleep, he came into the room and woke me up by asking as loudly as possible where "his" money was so that he could get some. The money he caused a household fight about because he was trying to give it to me. Then when I said, in my sleep, it's in my wallet which is hanging up in my purse on the wall, and I was wrong he flipped. I forgot totally I had brought the wallet into our room because I had been paying bills. But apparently I was lying to him on purpose and sending him on wild goose hunts to get back at him for the morning. I just turned off my ears and went back to sleep. I had to work last night after all and had already been up longer than I planned...

When I got up for work he was all humility and hugs, but I couldn't look at him without crying. And then when I got home from work this morning, instead of climbing into bed with him as I usually do on Sunday mornings, I lay in the living room reading a book. I finished the book just as the Boychild woke up, so then I watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with him until Hubby got up. When he did, and I felt that urge to cry come back, I got up and went to bed. I told him to wake me if he needed me, and that I loved him, and then I came in to go to sleep. I lay in ed for at least an hour thinking about making a card for PostSecret that says, "Because of you I hate myself a little more each day, and I think that makes you happy." While I don't think either of those things are strictly true, they both felt like it this morning.

When he was getting ready for work an hour ago, I woke up. I asked him if he needed any help, he said he just needed me to go back to sleep and that Dad was going to take him to work. That Dad said he should let me sleep and he didn't want to get into trouble so if I loved him I would go back to sleep. He sounded like he was half laughing and half crying and I couldn't tell which it was even when I looked. Su I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Now I'm laying here wide awake. Trying to figure out how I'm going to go pick him up from work today without crying like an idiot in public. So now I have to do the same thing I did all through my teen years. I have to look at that sticker I saw, and turn back into that girl. Right now I have to get up and spend time with my parents and son. I have to be that girl right this second.

They say the more you smile, the happier you feel even if you were pretending. And I know from experience it's true. Tonight will be good, so will tomorrow I'll bet.

I'm just so fucking tired of not knowing what's coming next.

grrrr...

I guess the good days couldn't have lasted much longer. Especially with me being on my cycle right now AND him being sick. He turns into such a whiny little bitch when he's sick. So this morning I'm talking to Mom about bills and how we're going to juggle things so that we also have grocery money and whatnot and from the room he hears so he calls me in to give me some money. He's not feeling well so he wants to stay in bed but he says that there's money in the pocket of his black pants. So I check the pockets of the black pants and there's nothing in them. So he gets all grumpy and says check all the pockets, so I check them again telling him there's nothing at all in the pockets. I even turned them inside out. He starts roaring at me to stop being so fucken lazy and to check all the damn pockets. I got pissed and left the room, right after I noticed his other black pants on the floor which did have stuff in the pockets. But by then I was so irritated that I just walked out. Meanwhile Dad is out in the living room bitching about Hubby's yelling, and saying how he needs to grow up. They got into a big ass argument.

Meanwhile, after that I went into the room with hubby and we talked for awhile and aired stuff out. He feels like I don't defend him to dad, that I don't take his side. I told him that my problem is that they're both right and they're both wrong. How on earth can I take a side when i think they're both acting like three year olds?

Tonight before I came to work he said they had worked it out, and he was all humble and apologetic, so I guess it's ok now, but I'm just so tired of all the friggen drama.

We need to move, but we can't afford it. I think that living with my parents is going to end my marriage, and I can't do a goddamn thing about it. What am I supposed to do with that?

Today should have been...

By all memories of the past, today should have been a bad one. First of all, Hubby is sick. And when he's sick then he's really cranky. More so than usual. Then on top of that he was out of his pain medication, and then on top of THAT, I forgot to call the doctor's office to see if they accept his new insurance.

A week ago this would have been a sure sign that I don't care at all about him. That's his kick these days. "People who CARE don't do that." But rather than yell, or even lecture me, he just accepted that I would do it today (which I did,) and he bopped off to work without another word about it. I called the dr's office and unfortunately they don't accept his new insurance, so now I have to find a new doctor and make an appointment for him on Tuesday ...

After I woke up this evening, I was able to notice right away that he was still in a bad mood. He gets this aura about him when he's irritable. One of those things that makes him really difficult to be around when he's feeling like that. Well he almost lost it when his movie turned off because the DVR started recording 2 things at once. He left the room in a huff, and I fixed the TV. I went in to tell him that it was fixed and ask him what was wrong. He snapped at me that he is hurting and sick, so I got him some pain reliever (he never thinks to get some on his own... it's one of his quirks I guess) and left him alone for a few minutes. He came out of the room a few minutes later and very calmly told me that when he's feeling like that and one more straw hit's him on the proverbial back, that the worst possible thing I can do is come in and try to talk to him. It won't work and he knows it, and frankly so do I. But I was so proud of him for not yelling or getting really mad. He's really working on that temper issue.

And then I just got a call at 1:30 am. I had forgotten to turn off the nature noises on my computer, and he had no idea he just had to close it. He was clearly very irritated, and I said I was sorry and he just had to close it. He snapped that it IS CLOSED. I had to remind him I leave it mostly closed when I have on my nature sounds to sleep, but it is not closed all the way. All he had to do was push down the top and it would stop making noise. That seemed to fix his attitude right away, but I sure hope I can get him to a doctor this week. He really needs his pain meds re-filled...

Random Happy

This is about laughter too after all...

Random Quote from Project Runway (and yes, I did watch it with the Boychild)

"I never get to tan anymore, I'm getting pale..."

Regarding his tan losing color..

"I think he's suffering from tanorexia ... "


HAHAHAHAHA. That even made my dad snorf his coffee...

Better every day

Even when we have a fight these days, it's not bad. It's just typical married couple horseshit. Yesterday the cable modem at our house stopped working. Grrr... I can't deal without my Internet, especially since our phone is through the cable modem as well. So I called the cable company on my cell phone. I was already irritated because I was trying to look something up when I realized the modem wasn't working, and then I had to deal with the "automated service assistant" that our cable company has installed on their phones. It's a really frustrating way of trying to resolve a problem, especially when you just want to talk to a person.

So, since I was already ticked off at the situation in general, when the Boychild decided to "help" and generally climb all over the things I was working with, I snapped at him. I yelled at him and grabbed his hand and pulled him away from what I was trying to do. He, being almost 3, threw himself on the floor and started screaming like I was beating him. To be clear, I do NOT beat my child. While we are of the opinion that some things deserve a spanking or a slap on the hand, this was not even that situation. He was just pushing his limits. Hubby asked what happened to Boychild, and I told him that I moved him away from what I was doing and why. He got louder asking exactly what was wrong with the Boychild, and why didn't I ask for help like we decided I would in situations like that. Meanwhile, the Boychild is screaming, Hubby is yelling over the top of him, and I am STILL trying to make a phone call on my pay per minute cheap ass cell phone. I was beyond irritated and working my way to pissed with the entire situation. And then Dad came out of his room yelling about how he was trying to get some sleep and we all needed to shut the f*ck up.

So I stopped. I hung up the phone deciding the call could be made when things calmed down. I apologized to Hubby for not asking him for help, and not telling him first thing that Boychild was not hurt and he was just throwing a 3 year old's tantrum. He apologized in turn for not realizing that I needed help when the Boychild started getting in the way. He said as soon as he saw that he was bothering me he should have taken him outside. We both apologized to Dad for not respecting him enough to keep it down while he was trying to sleep.

Then we both took the Boychild out back, and while he played on his toys and ran around and got some of his energy out, we talked. We talked about the situation at hand first, and the mistakes that we both made. About how easy it is to lose patience with a little one, and how we need to be able to support each other. And about how we both need to actually ask for a hand when we need it. Then we just talked like the old friends we are about life in general. We spent a good couple hours out there in the backyard. A married couple watching their baby play, and playing with him in the backyard. Making a genuine effort to improve their lives every day, for him.

By the end of the night, all was well. The Boychild was comfortably asleep by 9:30 and we were watching TV with Mom which is always fun.

I am really quite proud of us.

To clear up some questions...

I have gotten a reader it seems. They have posted several comments, and I thought I might clarify some things...

The anonymous commenter has asked that I remove the italic font from my posts. Can do. I didn't realize it was difficult to read.

They mentioned my comments at "Harlan's Blog", and that they must be an attempt to gain comments here. I posted my link on my comments there in the hopes that some of the more sane and conscientious readers there might come by. Maybe someone who has had a similar experience could give me some help. That was, in all probability, a mistake. The unfortunate nature of the majority of the commenters there has driven away most of the people with a heart. I probably will not comment there anymore. Those who know the right thing to do have taken to ignoring everyone else, and the rest of the commenters have found a nice place where they can spout venom and hate with no consequences. I'll leave that to them.

Apparently it was confusing that I watch Project Runway with my son. He likes the show. The bright colors, flashing lights, rhythmic music, all really attract him. Especially around nap time when he can curl up in my lap, laugh at the flamboyant characters, and eventually fall asleep. It is a nice experience for both of us.

There was understandable confusion regarding the beginning of my relationship with Hubby. Let me tell you the short version. I may post the full version at a later date, but since I have finally been getting along with the Ex, I don't really feel like rehashing all of the incredibly disturbing and horrendous things that she said and did.

I met Hubby at a bar, when she had locked him out of the house while he was at work. They had a very tumultuous relationship and had just moved back in together. She got mad that he had to work overtime, and changed out the locks. When I met her too, we all became friends. While I saw that their relationship was damaged beyond repair, I did try to help them work things out. I became their roommate after several months, shortly after she discovered she was pregnant. They fought and screamed for hours at a time every single day, and it seemed they made an effort to put me in the middle of the arguments. The more their relationship deteriorated, the more time he wanted to spend away from her, and she often encouraged me to take him to the bar or to dinner so that they both had time apart to cool off. We became best friends, and eventually I fell in love with him. Everyone said they could see he loved me too, so I decided to move out. He wanted to make things work with her, after all she was carrying his child. The day I decided I would move out, they got into another fight. She told him if he didn't do everything she said, she would have an abortion. This was too much for him to take, they broke up that day. The next week she moved back to her home state, and shortly after that, he and I made our relationship official. He and I did develop feelings for each other when he was still unavailable, but nothing more than that happened. I hope that makes more sense now.

The last comment is that we should seek counselling. I agree. Unfortunately that takes money, of which we have very little. Instead we are taking baby steps every day to make ourselves better. His baby steps are shown to me every day at the end of the day. He tells me his self realizations, and demonstrates them at the most difficult of times. This blog is one of my baby steps. A completely honest mirror. Someplace I can make my realizations. And then I share them with him each evening, and demonstrate them to the best of my ability.

Thank you for reading through, and for your helpful comments. I appreciate your input.

So,

Yesterday I was hanging out in the living room while Boychild was out back playing. With the back door open I can see the whole yard so he is pretty well supervised while still learning to be independent. Anyway, at some point nature called, and I ran to the bathroom for a minute. While in there I heard a scream, of pain. I know that sound from my baby and I knew that something hurt him. I went running out of the bathroom at the same time Hubby came running out of out bedroom. We both got to him at about the same time. Hubby picked him up and the poor things cheek was all swollen and scraped and there was blood coming out of his mouth. It seems he fell off of his tricycle.

We went into action quickly, washing his face off and putting a bit of ice into a sock to put on the swelling. Then we gave him some baby tylenol and spritzed a bit of chloraseptic onto his gums which were had stopped bleeding right away. Within seconds of the chloraseptic he was ready to go and wanted to go right back outside and onto the tricycle of death. He's such a boy.

The good thing that came out of the situation? Hubby didn't yell. Didn't scream. Didn't get mad at all. I was crying and apologizing to the Boychild for leaving him unattended. I was more upset than he was. Then I apologized out of habit to Hubby and he asked me if I was expecting him to yell. I said yeah, of course. I was irresponsible leaving him out there like that. He pointed out that I should search my feelings. "What more can I do than that?" he asked. "I don't know," I said, "but that never stops you from trying." I reacted badly and said something mean. When he was trying to be nice to me and point out to me that he wasn't upset with me. That I was upset with myself and he didn't need to be.

How did he react? He looked sad that I said that. He looked hurt. He looked at me long and hard, and then he said that we have new procedures and that it will take me time to get used to them. He kept his word. I didn't, and he didn't flip out about that either. And we made a bargain that if either of us are watching the Boychild, and has to leave the room, we will call the other one to watch him.

Life is good today.

Weekend Update

Indeed this weekend has gone exactly to plan. Actually, yesterday morning on the way home from work the car died and I had to have my dad come save me. The timing belt busted while I was on the freeway. It was rough for a minute, but the part is only about $15. The most expensive part of it was the tow which is running us over $100. While I have not yet fixed my bike, Hubby and I did spend a great deal of time together yesterday. And all of it was good. And then in the evening I took him to work and took a bit of a nap, and then played and giggled with the Boychild for awhile. Once I got Hubby home he paid dad back $50 so far for the tow and gave me some cash to get through the week so that's good. Then last night we climbed into bed with my mom after we got the Boychild to sleep and watched 2 episodes of I survived a Japanese Gameshow. Fun show. Not as fun as Wipeout, but good. I'll tell you though, I never wished I was still a "smoker" more than I do when I'm watching Wipeout. I don't do that anymore though. I'm a mommy now, and my baby is much more important than that.

Life is good.

Sleep is Awesome

Today was actually quite good. Again. Hooray!!! Although I didn't have much contact with most of my family at all, it's nice to have some alone time with the Boychild sometimes. I got home and decided again to stay up with Boychild for awhile. He spent most of the time playing out back, although he also came in to show me stuff every few minutes. We watched JoJo's Circus together and sang the ABC song and the 1 Little Indian song. He likes to sing with me, I guess that's good. Then while he was playing outside I watched the season finale of Doctor Who, which is the best show ever. Of course. I loved it, it actually made me cry when the Tardis was towing Earth back home.

After that was over, I finally woke up Hubby, whom I had let sleep in. While he was waking up I finally got to give the Boychild his bath. Normally he doesn't get it at noon, but he went into the bathroom, took off his clothes and diaper and stood there saying, BATH!!! I guess the heat was getting to him. We splashed and played, and then when he got out the little shit ran right outside and sat on our porch sofa. The dusty, dirty, porch sofa. While he was still wet. Needless to say Hubby gave him another bath tonight. Once Hubby got up, we spent about 20 minutes sitting outside on the sofa watching the clouds and just enjoying each others company. It's been a while since we just sat together outside talking about what we saw in the clouds, and it was really nice. We talked and laughed and joked and sang songs to the Boychild, and then I had to go to sleep.

I was able to sleep,(only getting woken up twice,) all the way until it was time to get ready for work. That's pretty unusual, and it was a really pleasant surprise. I haven't been able to find my cell phone since the bad day last week, and I really didn't want to tell anyone. Because, of course, that's what I do. I lose things. And it irritates everyone, only lately it makes Hubby really angry. He's afraid that I'll do that when it's really important, and therefore he wants me to break the habit as soon as possible. I couldn't agree more. But how do you stop being a scatterbrain? Anybody? Anyhow, I did tell him, and he was wonderful about it. He reached up to the upper mantle that I can't reach, and gave it to me, and all he said was "I put it someplace safe, to wait until you asked..." Then he gave it to me with a smile and a kiss and I was off to work.

Today is my friday, and I only work a 4 day week, so I may not post anything for the next few days. Then again I might. It just depends on my schedule.

Here are my goals for the weekend:

• Finally really get my bike fixed and gor for a ride each day.
• Take the boychild to the mall or the park to play.
• Get Hubby in contact with people for his community service.
• Have one date with Hubby, probably the movies again since it is free.
• Not allow my anger or irritations to get the better of me.
• Have an entire weekend without a single fight.
• Get mom out of the house, again probably to a movie.
• Figure out my budget for payday.
• Clean my room.

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of right now...

Goals for Today

Today my goals are simple. have today be as good as yesterday was. Continue listening before I react, and thinking before I speak or act. Make sure the dishes are done and in general the house is clean before I come to work. Normally on Saturdays I come to work early, but today I won't because I will be doing too much running around today for that to be a good idea at all.

This is working already. It's helping me focus my priorities.

It's going to be a long day, but a darn good one!!!

Progress

On the way home from work today dad and I got a call from mom. She was wondering if one of us could take Hubby to work when we got home. Why he didn't call, I have no idea, but at least there was a phone call asking. You know, rather than him just expecting it when we got home. So we got to the house and walked in, and lo and behold the living room was immaculate. It seems he had gotten up extra early and was going to take the bus in, but mom was having a hard time getting out of bed, and there was no way he was going to leave Boychild in her care without one of us being home. So he took advantage of the extra time and cleaned up the living room.

He was in an especially good mood when we walked in, just as he was yesterday. I love days like that. On those days he is cute and fun and silly like he was when we met. He is the man I fell in love with, you know? While dad, who was going to take him to work, helped mom get out of bed so she could go to the bathroom, Hubby and I had a few minutes to talk. I told him about this blog, and how nice it is that I now have a place to vent where nobody at all knows me. He thought it was a really great idea, because I will still be able to vent and even get advice from people, but I won't have to censor myself, and I won't be airing our dirty laundry to our friends and family. It is a win all around.

Because of the situation with mom, I ended up taking him to work, and I said that I would pick him up when he got off and take him by his friends house where he had to pick something up, and then we would fix my bike and go for a family ride. Unfortunately when I got home I realized there was no way at all both me and dad would be able to go to sleep and leave mom with Boychild. So, I volunteered to take first shift and stay up as long as I could before going to sleep. As long as dad would take care of picking Hubby up and taking him to his friend's place. He agreed and I settled in to try to stay awake as long as possible. I work a 10 hour shift, in which I don't really do much. So most of the time when I leave work I am exhausted due to lack of stimulation, but once I get home and see that beautiful baby run up to me and want to play, I wake up. Today was no different. We played and sang the ABC song, and watched Project Runway together. He showed me all of his cars, and counted them with me. We generally had a great time. Finally around noon or 12:30, mom got up and sat with me in the living room. We watched some America's Got Talent, but about half way through the episode I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. She said she would be fine for a half hour until dad got up, and I went to bed.

Thankfully dad was true to his word and picked hubby up and took him to his friend's house. They got home and I woke up for a few moments when he came into the room to have a smoke. In this heat I feel bad asking them all to smoke outside, so they smoke in the bedrooms when Boychild is not in there. I went back to sleep and woke up to eat something before work at about 7:30. While I was heating up my dinner, I washed what few dishes there were in the kitchen, and then while I ate, Hubby gave the Boychild his bath. I know I wanted to, but when mom's sick all our schedules and plans get all screwy. Then we watched a bit more tv together and then I came to work, and here we are.

Overall evaluation for the day: Fantastic. Although there were some random schedule changes, nobody got upset. There were no frustrations and irritations getting out of control, and the crankiest one in the house was the 3 year old. All is as it should be...

My Goals for Today

I would also like to set specific goals for myself each day I am able to blog here. Something simple but meaningful that I can do each day to make sure that I am indeed making the efforts required to make my marriage better.

Today my goals are:

• Clean and sweep the living room. (My vacuum's broken, deal with it.)
• Wake up early enough to make dinner.
• Make sure that dinner dishes are done after dinner, even if I have to do them myself.
• Give Boychild his bath.
• Ask Hubby to help me fix my bike.
• Take at least a 20-30 minute ride, hopefully with Hubby & Boychild in the stroller.
• Think before I speak, and process his actual words (rather than tone) before I respond to anything he says.

I think that's a good set of goals for the day.

Showing My Work

Every now and then, Hubby gives me a listing of all the things he's done to make our lives better. It is part of his mental illness that he keeps track of every single aspect of everything he does. I am not that kind of person. But it is important to him that I am able to do the same thing. To show my work if you will. So, every day that I post here, I will be putting up my "work" for the day. Something to show that I care a little more than I did yesterday, that I am thinking more than I was the day before. That I have put in the extra effort, to be a better person, a better mommy, a better wife, than I was the day before.

Today, I stayed up after working a 10 hour shift, for an extra hour with my son. My mom normally watches him during the day, but she wasn't feeling well this morning. While staying up with the Boychild, I remembered Hubby's suggestion to DVR several of his favorite shows so that when he is being a beast, we can put them on for him. So I set the DVR to record 5 of his favorite shows, including Spongebob, which I hate, but the Boychild (and the Hubby while we're at it) loves.
After dinner, which he lovingly served me and brought to me in bed, we sat down and went over our bills. One of his biggest pet peeves is that he has no idea how much we owe on anything and when it is due, let alone how much he should be contributing. Today I made a point of informing him of all of these things. The reason we don't normally have these conversations is he always gets irritated about something stupid, and then it ends in an argument. Most of the time it's because he expects me to read his mind, and gets really angry when I have no idea what he's hinting at, when he seems to think it's completely obvious. This time, I made a sincere effort to think about what he would be asking and clarifying the questions he has before. He only got frustrated for a few moments, and then he too sat down and thought for a little while, and then re-phrased his concern in a way I could better understand. It made the entire situation easier for both of us.
Also, I showed logical thought whe nI left for work. As I carpooled with my dad tonight, I realized that I had no reason to be carrying my keys with me. So I left them at home reminding him that the car is there if he needs it.

Like I said, today was better.

The Positives

As this is a forum for me to make my relationship stronger, the first thing I would like to do (besides the obligatory intro post which I've already done) is to list the best parts of my marriage, and my husband. The things that I fell in love with, and especially the things that I still love about him.

What made me fall in love in the first place?

• We could talk for hours, late into the night.
• We liked the same TV shows and would watch them together.
• We shared interests.
• We are of the same faith.
• When I looked into his eyes and saw all the pain he has experienced, and that he still has love for life, I couldn't look away.
• Our goals in life were similar.
• We read the same books, and could talk about them intelligently.
• He looked at me with adoration and respect.
• He let me lighten the mood when it was too heavy.
• He was fully and completely loyal to his girlfriend until she threatened to kill the child that she was carrying.
• Even though everyone knew we loved each other.
• He spent his spare time making things for the neighborhood kids for free.
• The feel of touching him in the dark, not knowing where it was going.
• The wonder of each of his personalities opening up to me.
• Learning the quirks of each of his aspects, and falling in love with each of them individually.

Why, after four years, do I still love him?

• I always feel safe when wrapped up in his arms.
• Laying with my head on his chest or lap while watching tv, and feeling his hand absentmindedly playing with my hair.
• We still share the same interests in TV shows and books.
• He doesn't get mad over the big stuff, that I think he should get mad about.
• He does everything in his power to get me little treats, just to show he was thinking about me.
• He is an amazing Daddy, who clearly loves his son very much.
• Watching them play wrestle on the ground makes my heart soar.
• But not as much as joining them playing does.
• He wants to lay and cuddle with me for no reason. And it hurts him when we can't.
• We still go on dates, and dance together in the dark of the empty movie theater.
• His constant and consistant effort to control his temper even though it is against his very nature.
• His respect and love for my parents, even though they don't always get along.

I have my problems with my husband, but in the end they are not over shadowed by the fact that we love each other very much. This past month has represented a very rough patch in our life, but in the end I know it is our life, together, and it will be for a very long time. I have to know that.