Today I am That Girl

I saw a sticker the other day, and it said "I'm the girl that hides her pain behind a smile to brighten everyone elses day" It struck a chord in me. I don't normally have a lot of pain, but lately I have more. And after yesterday's drama, which come to think of it was not nearly as bad as some of the issues we've had, I can't seem to stop hurting.

I think it came when after he made me go to sleep, he came into the room and woke me up by asking as loudly as possible where "his" money was so that he could get some. The money he caused a household fight about because he was trying to give it to me. Then when I said, in my sleep, it's in my wallet which is hanging up in my purse on the wall, and I was wrong he flipped. I forgot totally I had brought the wallet into our room because I had been paying bills. But apparently I was lying to him on purpose and sending him on wild goose hunts to get back at him for the morning. I just turned off my ears and went back to sleep. I had to work last night after all and had already been up longer than I planned...

When I got up for work he was all humility and hugs, but I couldn't look at him without crying. And then when I got home from work this morning, instead of climbing into bed with him as I usually do on Sunday mornings, I lay in the living room reading a book. I finished the book just as the Boychild woke up, so then I watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with him until Hubby got up. When he did, and I felt that urge to cry come back, I got up and went to bed. I told him to wake me if he needed me, and that I loved him, and then I came in to go to sleep. I lay in ed for at least an hour thinking about making a card for PostSecret that says, "Because of you I hate myself a little more each day, and I think that makes you happy." While I don't think either of those things are strictly true, they both felt like it this morning.

When he was getting ready for work an hour ago, I woke up. I asked him if he needed any help, he said he just needed me to go back to sleep and that Dad was going to take him to work. That Dad said he should let me sleep and he didn't want to get into trouble so if I loved him I would go back to sleep. He sounded like he was half laughing and half crying and I couldn't tell which it was even when I looked. Su I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Now I'm laying here wide awake. Trying to figure out how I'm going to go pick him up from work today without crying like an idiot in public. So now I have to do the same thing I did all through my teen years. I have to look at that sticker I saw, and turn back into that girl. Right now I have to get up and spend time with my parents and son. I have to be that girl right this second.

They say the more you smile, the happier you feel even if you were pretending. And I know from experience it's true. Tonight will be good, so will tomorrow I'll bet.

I'm just so fucking tired of not knowing what's coming next.