Today was better.

Yes, I know that this is my first post, so you don't know how to compare today to yesterday. Yesterday was awful, that's all you have to know.

Today was a good day. Hubby was only an ass once today, and only for a few moments.

I love my husband, but sometimes he is the most horrible, judgemental, and generally verbally abusive person I know.

I can't blame him, that's how he was raised. By a mother who beat him and his siblings, and a father who, when he was around, verbally and emotionally abused his children and wife/ex-wife. Then the mother got married to a pedophile who also happened to be a sheriff. Needless to say that made reporting his actions very difficult.

The results of this childhood are three grown people who are amazing and wonderful, but all damaged in some way or another. Sis has been in AA since she was 16, and is now a counselor. Bro was a gun and weapon fanatic until the day he died almost three years ago. And Hubby, the eldest, came out with at least 6 personalities and to top it off, we're fairly sure he has aspergers. He is, to say the least, difficult to live with.

This blog will be a tool for me, because while he has no tact or kindness when it comes to reminding me how to be an adult, the things he points out are true. This will be the place where I can examine my behavior, and his, day by day. Honestly and without reservation. Nobody knows me here, I can be anonymous, and honest. And that makes me happy beyond all reason.

A great deal of my life is spent hiding things. I hide arguments with Hubby from my parents and friends, because I don't want them to know how severe our problems are. I hide things from Hubby that I know are completely inconsiquential, but will set him off. He is like a time bonb waiting to erupt sometimes. But I never know when that sometimes is. Here, I do not have to hide. Here I can be honest about everything. His behavior, and my behavior. Because I'm not blameless in this. I know the things that set him off, but sometimes I just do them. I know, before I say something, that he will react badly. But I say it anyway. And then I defend it. Even though I know that I'm completely wrong.

But, as I was saying, today was better. The last week has been awful. Just awful. But today I saw that glimmer. I saw him controlling that temper. I saw him get frustrated with something I said, and stop, and breathe, and then repeat himself in a controlled way. And I didn't react with venom. I also stopped and thought before I spoke, to make sure he couldn't misunderstand what I was saying. We worked together through the moments of frustration, and spent the rest of the evening having a grand time.

You might think, reading this, that this is about a marriage falling apart. I haven't said anything really positive yet. Well, there you would be wrong. This is about a marriage coming together. About a wife realizing that there are serious problems on both sides, and it is her responsibility to do everything possible to fix those problems.

My husband is my best friend. Our son is my life. Now I have a tool to prioritize them every single day.