Well, it's working out. Hubby was horrible for a couple days, and truth be told so was I. He wasn't sure that we even had much of a marriage anymore. We talked about seperating. Well, he talked. I refused. He asked me if I expected Happily Ever After. I said DAMN RIGHT!!!

He thought about it. He realized that he was "crushing my spirit" and that in the end he doesn't want to do that.

Now we are working it out. We are working together to regain our trust and friendship. I am making an effort to make sure that I do the things I say I'm going to, and he is making that supreme effort to not be a colossal jackass when I don't.

Today, as a reward for several really good days, I got him new shoes and socks. He was thrilled!!

Life is good today.

Today I am That Girl

I saw a sticker the other day, and it said "I'm the girl that hides her pain behind a smile to brighten everyone elses day" It struck a chord in me. I don't normally have a lot of pain, but lately I have more. And after yesterday's drama, which come to think of it was not nearly as bad as some of the issues we've had, I can't seem to stop hurting.

I think it came when after he made me go to sleep, he came into the room and woke me up by asking as loudly as possible where "his" money was so that he could get some. The money he caused a household fight about because he was trying to give it to me. Then when I said, in my sleep, it's in my wallet which is hanging up in my purse on the wall, and I was wrong he flipped. I forgot totally I had brought the wallet into our room because I had been paying bills. But apparently I was lying to him on purpose and sending him on wild goose hunts to get back at him for the morning. I just turned off my ears and went back to sleep. I had to work last night after all and had already been up longer than I planned...

When I got up for work he was all humility and hugs, but I couldn't look at him without crying. And then when I got home from work this morning, instead of climbing into bed with him as I usually do on Sunday mornings, I lay in the living room reading a book. I finished the book just as the Boychild woke up, so then I watched Mickey Mouse Clubhouse with him until Hubby got up. When he did, and I felt that urge to cry come back, I got up and went to bed. I told him to wake me if he needed me, and that I loved him, and then I came in to go to sleep. I lay in ed for at least an hour thinking about making a card for PostSecret that says, "Because of you I hate myself a little more each day, and I think that makes you happy." While I don't think either of those things are strictly true, they both felt like it this morning.

When he was getting ready for work an hour ago, I woke up. I asked him if he needed any help, he said he just needed me to go back to sleep and that Dad was going to take him to work. That Dad said he should let me sleep and he didn't want to get into trouble so if I loved him I would go back to sleep. He sounded like he was half laughing and half crying and I couldn't tell which it was even when I looked. Su I turned over and tried to go back to sleep. Now I'm laying here wide awake. Trying to figure out how I'm going to go pick him up from work today without crying like an idiot in public. So now I have to do the same thing I did all through my teen years. I have to look at that sticker I saw, and turn back into that girl. Right now I have to get up and spend time with my parents and son. I have to be that girl right this second.

They say the more you smile, the happier you feel even if you were pretending. And I know from experience it's true. Tonight will be good, so will tomorrow I'll bet.

I'm just so fucking tired of not knowing what's coming next.

grrrr...

I guess the good days couldn't have lasted much longer. Especially with me being on my cycle right now AND him being sick. He turns into such a whiny little bitch when he's sick. So this morning I'm talking to Mom about bills and how we're going to juggle things so that we also have grocery money and whatnot and from the room he hears so he calls me in to give me some money. He's not feeling well so he wants to stay in bed but he says that there's money in the pocket of his black pants. So I check the pockets of the black pants and there's nothing in them. So he gets all grumpy and says check all the pockets, so I check them again telling him there's nothing at all in the pockets. I even turned them inside out. He starts roaring at me to stop being so fucken lazy and to check all the damn pockets. I got pissed and left the room, right after I noticed his other black pants on the floor which did have stuff in the pockets. But by then I was so irritated that I just walked out. Meanwhile Dad is out in the living room bitching about Hubby's yelling, and saying how he needs to grow up. They got into a big ass argument.

Meanwhile, after that I went into the room with hubby and we talked for awhile and aired stuff out. He feels like I don't defend him to dad, that I don't take his side. I told him that my problem is that they're both right and they're both wrong. How on earth can I take a side when i think they're both acting like three year olds?

Tonight before I came to work he said they had worked it out, and he was all humble and apologetic, so I guess it's ok now, but I'm just so tired of all the friggen drama.

We need to move, but we can't afford it. I think that living with my parents is going to end my marriage, and I can't do a goddamn thing about it. What am I supposed to do with that?

Today should have been...

By all memories of the past, today should have been a bad one. First of all, Hubby is sick. And when he's sick then he's really cranky. More so than usual. Then on top of that he was out of his pain medication, and then on top of THAT, I forgot to call the doctor's office to see if they accept his new insurance.

A week ago this would have been a sure sign that I don't care at all about him. That's his kick these days. "People who CARE don't do that." But rather than yell, or even lecture me, he just accepted that I would do it today (which I did,) and he bopped off to work without another word about it. I called the dr's office and unfortunately they don't accept his new insurance, so now I have to find a new doctor and make an appointment for him on Tuesday ...

After I woke up this evening, I was able to notice right away that he was still in a bad mood. He gets this aura about him when he's irritable. One of those things that makes him really difficult to be around when he's feeling like that. Well he almost lost it when his movie turned off because the DVR started recording 2 things at once. He left the room in a huff, and I fixed the TV. I went in to tell him that it was fixed and ask him what was wrong. He snapped at me that he is hurting and sick, so I got him some pain reliever (he never thinks to get some on his own... it's one of his quirks I guess) and left him alone for a few minutes. He came out of the room a few minutes later and very calmly told me that when he's feeling like that and one more straw hit's him on the proverbial back, that the worst possible thing I can do is come in and try to talk to him. It won't work and he knows it, and frankly so do I. But I was so proud of him for not yelling or getting really mad. He's really working on that temper issue.

And then I just got a call at 1:30 am. I had forgotten to turn off the nature noises on my computer, and he had no idea he just had to close it. He was clearly very irritated, and I said I was sorry and he just had to close it. He snapped that it IS CLOSED. I had to remind him I leave it mostly closed when I have on my nature sounds to sleep, but it is not closed all the way. All he had to do was push down the top and it would stop making noise. That seemed to fix his attitude right away, but I sure hope I can get him to a doctor this week. He really needs his pain meds re-filled...

Random Happy

This is about laughter too after all...

Random Quote from Project Runway (and yes, I did watch it with the Boychild)

"I never get to tan anymore, I'm getting pale..."

Regarding his tan losing color..

"I think he's suffering from tanorexia ... "


HAHAHAHAHA. That even made my dad snorf his coffee...